apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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