sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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