You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He passed out mid-signature
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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