Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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