I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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