God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
