the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
