Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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