tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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