Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you traded sex for a burrito?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
