Moan for me like Helen Keller
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
