My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
you had me at cake vodka
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
