So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
