if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Drunk is a universal language darling
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
