Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
