It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
