Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
