two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
