i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
