he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
