Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
