im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
