I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
