the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
