There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Farmville is her only friend.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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