I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
His nipple licking is glorious
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