i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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