I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
