What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
