hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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