running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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