At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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