I cannot find my penis.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
why do cheetos always look like penises
Drunk walkin through police station. America
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
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