it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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