I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
