Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
