True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
