I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
