I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
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