My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
