Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
