Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
