plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
