I want to have your abortion
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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