i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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