dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
