Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
