I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
