I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
