Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
